Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My liver just had a heart attack.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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