i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
did you just send me my own nude
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
