I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
im six kinds of drunk right now
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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