there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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