Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
