i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
