if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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