I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
