was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
how does that bad decision feel?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
