I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
