everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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