I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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