you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
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You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
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