genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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