i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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