We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
