Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
