We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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