Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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