even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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