Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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