why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize