Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
