he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
