everyone is single if you try hard enough
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
