My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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