i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
