Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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