she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
