You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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