I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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