i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm determined to sit on that face.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
