Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
