I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
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Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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