i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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