i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
