rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
