y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
