I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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