if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
