I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
