he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
