God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
