half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
