Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
