the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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