He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
