Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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