Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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