Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
