babies were throwing up all over the place
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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