I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I love having hate sex.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
