I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
