If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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