remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I looked at my own cervix.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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