I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
